Rantagram,  Reality Bites

How Not To Win Friends Or Influence People, Vol. 1

Towards the end of last year my eyes were rather unceremoniously blinded by the sight of something no one really needs to see. Over various social media channels of mine, I began to receive messages from people I didn’t know. More specifically, men I don’t know. Now, this isn’t news, it happens to lots of people. Unsolicited messages, tweets and the like are bound to happen when you have a profile in the public domain. However what was new to me was the content of these messages.

I’ve been fortunate so far to mostly avoid the whole dick pic phenomenon. I say phenomenon like it’s something to marvel at, but let’s be honest, none of us marvel at dicks at the best of times, so don’t take it in that way at all. However, I have been fortunate where others have not. Lots of women (and probably men too, I don’t know) who regularly blog or tweet online receive unsolicited images of cocks – way more often than many realise.

And when I say unsolicited, I mean unsolicited. No-one in the history of the internet has ever started, dropped in or finished an Instagram story with the immortal phrase ‘by the way, send me a picture of your slack little pecker after watching this please’. Not to the best of my knowledge, anyway. I don’t know what goes through the mind of someone who decides to respond to someone’s social media postings with badly-taken shots of their genitalia, but they need a wake up call. It’s fucking rank. I sit in judgement of it, no fucks given.

It’s not just the pictures, either. Some of the messages that come through into inboxes, filtered or otherwise are just insane. I’ve had such weird messages before. Stretching from the bizarre:

“Hi sexy – are you working?”

(no pal, I’m not a prostitute)

to the downright ridiculous:

Oooh, a Snapchat! Hmm, don’t recognise that name….Oh, ew (photo of, I shit you not, a naked woman on top of a salad counter rubbing herself off with a courgette)


Why though? Why? I do not understand it. It’s like a form of weird provocation; surely nobody replies to that kind of shit with ‘ooh yes, I’ll have some of that, you hold the cucumber and I’ll grab some salad cream and we can go wild’, do they? What possesses people to randomly send this shit to others that they don’t know, often without so much as a hello first?

The internet is full of fucking weirdos. Everyone knows that. But how the fuck have we gone from normal human interaction to literally sending photographs of a cock and balls to someone you’ve never even met or spoken to? Why?

It really boils my piss, the arrogance of those who send these pictures, and of those who send intrusive messages. Someone recently went to the effort of tracking me down, the real me, and sending me really strange messages about how he liked my appearance. It genuinely freaked me out and since then I’ve put my personal social media on total lockdown.

But I shouldn’t feel like I have to do that. Why are people so fucking creepy now? Is it not enough to just talk to someone like a human being without feeling the urge to start coming on strong and then when you get ignored, flash them your ugly dick for a response? It’s ridiculous. It’s also disgusting.

How to be decent online

So, in the interest of helping to turn the tide, here’s an easy to follow set of rules for how to win friends online:

  1. Don’t be a pervy little fucktrumpet.
  2. Don’t stalk someone’s personal details online to send them creepy messages.
  3. Think about how you must sound to a complete stranger. Do you sound like a ridiculous pervert? If so, you’re probably being one.
  5. Engage in normal, human conversation.
  6. If you can’t do these things, disconnect your router and stay off the fucking internet please.


It can’t just be me who finds this stuff annoying. Have you ever been on the receiving end of this kind of thing? Let me know below, or over on Twitter. I’d love to hear about it if you have, we need to try and stamp out this kind of shit before it gets even further out of control. It’s not ok, at all.

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